I'm One of THOSE People...

So despite saying that I would never be one of THOSE people....I totally am.  And by that, I mean I'm kind of obsessed with my dog.  I haven't quite become a crazy, dog lady to the max yet, but it's pretty bad.


I used to hardcore make fun of anyone that baby talked their dog and outright LOL'd at anyone who would refer to his or herself as a dog's mom or dad.  Dogs aren't babies, you freaks!  And then we got Bernie and I became everything that I hate in this world.  (That's actually an exaggeration, I hate a lot of things. Keep reading, we'll discuss them all.)  And if my actions related to my dog say anything about my future as a parent, I already hate my future parent self.  

First day we brought him home.  ZOMGSOFREAKINGCUTE,RIGHT?

We got Bernie from a shelter that rescues dogs from puppy mills.  Rescuing a dog from a shelter is incredibly fulfilling and I highly recommend that everyone does so. That being said, rescuing a dog is also an instant ticket to asshole dog parenthood.  Why is that?  Because now that I've rescued my poor little puppy, I obviously have to spoil the shit out of him and act like a helicopter parent to protect him from the difficulties of life because he already had a rough start in life. I also feel the need to brag about his life achievements.  For real, I have had conversations with people where they talk about their real, live, human children and I have to stop myself from being all, "Oh yeah, that's great.  Bernie learned how to open a water bottle using his mouth and paws today!"  (He really can do this btw.) I mean really?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Oh you're baby is cute, but you should see my dog!  I want to die. 


To be fair, Bernie is pretty bad ass for a dog.  I like to say that he's a combination of the Honey Badger and this guy: 

He even likes cheese!  (He also likes, in no particular order: processed lunch meats, burying shit, digging shit up, chewing underwear, car rides, humping my arm, and Skittles. He also gets pissed when I spend too much time on the internet and displays this by hitting my laptop shut with his paws. DNGAF.)

The thing is, this treating a dog like a person shit is contagious.  My parents even schedule time with Bernie and refer to themselves as his grandparents.  They buy them his own ice cream cones and hamburgers when they go to McDonald's.  I don't even want to know what it will be like when I have kids.  My mom might actually stalk me.

There is also not a doubt in my mind that if I was single, I would be an animal hoarder. I would have like six dogs right now.  Or even worse, if I become a widow, I will be one of those ladies that treats a monkey like a baby.  What?  You were unaware of this phenomenon?  Well, welcome to my future!

I can't even lie, I wouldn't even be upset if my future entails dressing a monkey in doll clothes if I can get a glamour shot taken with them.  I always wanted a glamour shot and my mom wouldn't let me get one.  That shit was fierce.

Like this, but with a monkey

For now, I'll settle for putting t-shirts and sweaters on Bernie when my husband isn't looking.  And making him pose for pictures like this. 

Totally normal behavior for an almost 30 year old...